Caffeine Perils
by Xanthos Samurai
Summary: When Kadaj decides that he's tired of smashing alarm clocks every morning, he goes to find an easier way to stay awake. What he finds is more dangerous than anything else known to man: coffee.


**Mako & Black Coffee**

Author: Xanthos Samurai

Rating: PG

Warnings: Mentions of implied clonecest if you squint and tilt your head. Other than that, woefully clean.

Disclaimer: If I owned any part of Square, there would be official art of Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo in miniskirts poledancing.

Feedback: I like feedback like Yuffie likes material

Notes: This was originally an exercise in characterization set down for me by a friend. She gave me various prompts and this one was "Kadaj and coffee." Initially, I had NO idea what I was going to do with that, but eventually this was born. I really don't have any idea how else to explain myself other than that. ;; Yes, it's utter sillyness.

Loz and Yazoo never would be able to figure out why Kadaj had such problems getting up in the morning. The two of them heard the "wark" of the alarm (the only alarm clock that they had been able to find was intended for a young child and was shaped as a chocobo that would flap its mechanical wings and "wark" shrilly when it went off) and got right up, but not Kadaj. He'd ignore it as long as possible and burrow deep in his sleeping bag.

"WARKWARKWARK!" Shrieked the alarm.

"Silence!" Muttered Kadaj. His hand, almost independent of the rest of him, searched for Souba on the ground beside him. Yazoo and Loz had hidden it earlier. They were sick of buying new alarm clocks.

"WARKWARKWARK!" The alarm continued to shriek.

When Kadaj finally realized that the alarm was not going to bend to his will, he pushed the sleeping bag back, sat up and glared at it huffily, as if the alarm clock had set out to personally offend him.

"Good morning, Kadaj." Yazoo said calmly as Kadaj stood up and eyed the alarm clock. "Don't break it or we'll go back to throwing you in the water to wake you up."

"Don't you dare." Kadaj hissed, then ran his hands through his hair. "There has to be a better way than that wretched alarm clock."

"You could try using an Elixir," Loz suggested. "Those cure Sleep, right?"

"Wrong kind of sleep, Loz." Yazoo said. "But good thinking."

Kadaj resolved to find a way to remedy this problem today when he went into Midgar.

"Coffee."

Loz and Yazoo looked up from their respective activities and blinked at their brother. Kadaj was… Well, the appropriate word was sparkling, but one just didn't _use_ the word sparkling to describe Kadaj. Gleaming was acceptable. Glowing could work on rare occasions. But _sparkling_?

And yet there stood Kadaj in all of his glory, _sparkling_ like his life depended on it. His eyes were wide, as was his smile. The only problem was, his eye was twitching and his smile was, to put it mildly, utterly terrifying. Yazoo and Loz began to wonder where they'd put those restraints from last night.

"What did you say?" Yazoo finally asked.

"I said _coffee._" Kadaj stepped forward. A strange shimmer danced along his pale skin, much like light on a ripple of water. He suddenly stood on the balls of his feet and bounced up and down a few times, as if he was unable to keep still. "I went into Midgar and found this wonderful liquid! So wonderful that I think it must have come from the Lifestream itself! They called it _coffee_."

"Uh…. What does it do?" Loz glanced over at Yazoo.

"It… It…. It keeps me awake and energetic and– Oooh look it makes me sparkly." Kadaj stared at his hand with wide, enraptured eyes. Loz whimpered a little and edged over towards Yazoo. Kadaj got there first and stood much too close to Yazoo, bobbing up and down on the balls of his feet excitedly.

"Look at this! Isn't it amazing! I'm _sparkly_. Mother would be so pleased, wouldn't she? Don't you think Mother would be pleased?"

"Loz, go and get the restraints." Yazoo muttered to his brother out of the corner of his mouth.

Kadaj grabbed Yazoo's chin and stared into his eyes. He blinked several times and continued bouncing.

"What did you just say? I didn't hear it."

"I said, I'm so excited I could faint." Yazoo said calmly.

Kadaj let go and continued to bounce up and down.

"Oh okay. Hey, where's Loz going?" He bounded over to Loz, who was trying to sneak off to the bedroom to grab the handcuffs. "Hey Loz? Loz? Loz, what are you doing? Ow! Yazoo, Loz picked me up and won't put me down! Yaz- wait, to the bed is okay. This is a good game."

Yazoo sighed. Loz was probably going to need a hand or two, especially if Kadaj was going to be insane and horny. Poor Loz probably wouldn't have any idea how to handle this. He followed the two of them into the bedroom, mentally adding coffee onto the List of Things That Kadaj Is Not Allowed to Drink. Clearly, caffeine had interesting side-effects on a Mako-infused nervous system. Yazoo wondered briefly if anyone had ever discovered this before or if this was something totally new. In either case, nobody had any idea how long the effects lasted. Yazoo blew his bangs out of his face. It was going to be a long day.


End file.
